I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
Randomize
