Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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