you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Randomize
