She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
