Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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