so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
