When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Randomize
