Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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