I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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