Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I checked into jail on foursquare
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
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