Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
