You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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