I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The struggles of a small town man whore
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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