Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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