I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize