We're facebook friends in real life
we made out on top of his cat.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
