im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
Randomize