Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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