he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
