awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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