I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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