I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
