I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
