He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
