Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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