I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Randomize
