me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
