I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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