Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
