You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
