Apparently you make a good broom.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
