Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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