I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
