I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
