Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
