she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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