my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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