Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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