see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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