I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
