I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
