i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
