I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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