I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I forget how to act sober
Randomize