May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
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