I can feel you judging me through the phone.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
