clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
