What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
