I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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