its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
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