am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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