Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
