I looked at my own cervix.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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