apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
