bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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