I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
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