either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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