Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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