I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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