Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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