One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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