I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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