Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
