): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
