He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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